Filter

Yet another endearing trait of young students is their apparent lack of comment-filtering skills.  That loud voice in the minds of many adults (clearly not all) that screams "THAT MAY BE WHAT YOU THINK BUT DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SAY IT OUT LOUD!" will not fully develop for quite some time (if ever).  Whatever comes into their heads is bound to come out of their mouths. Oftentimes this bodes well for a teacher's self-esteem; when they tell you you're beautiful, funny, nice, or smart.  Other times, it is far less than a confidence booster. 

A couple years ago a fellow first grade teacher was expecting her first baby and it was becoming rather obvious.  Many students didn't seem to understand what was happening and had begun making comments about how fat she was getting.  One afternoon when all the first graders were together for singing time, she decided it was time to explain to the students that she wasn't getting fat.  She had a baby in her tummy.  This seemed to make sense to the students, "That's why my mom is fat, too!"

After the explanation, the first graders returned to their classrooms to carry on with their learning.  As my students worked quietly on an assignment I noticed that Lexie was eyeing me with a confused look on her face.  After several moments of enduring her blatant scrutiny I whispered, "Lexie, is everything okay?" and she hesitantly asked, "Is Mrs. Hansen the only one that's pregnant?"

I knew in my heart that this conversation was not going to end well, but instead of walking away and keeping my self-confidence intact I responded, "As far as I know."

"Oh." she said in a perplexed kind of way (and here's where the filter should have kicked in), "'Cause it kind of looks like you are, too."

I am still in the early stages of recovery.

First Grade Book Recommendations

Note: I did not change the spelling because it's what makes first grade writing so charming; however, I did add punctuation to help make sense of some of it.  See if you can spot what they all have in common.

Harry Potter
So ther is this boy that is very very very very very very unuooshawll because he is a wizerd and he gose to a magick school colld hogwarts and there is a evil wizerd named lord voldamort.  He trizes to kill Harry sevrill times and there is't just one book there are seven books and that is how much I'm (I am) going to tell you.

So in case you were confused about which two words made up the contraction "I'm"; perhaps it's time to work on "isn't".

For You
So their was a giraffe that doesn't have a girlfriend then he looks everywhere then he finds one.  Why I think that you should read it is because it is a friendly book.

So who doesn't love a "friendly" book?

Diary of a Wimpy Kid
So it's a kid in a elementry school and he has only one frind and evry one els is nerdy and weard and at the school there is a chees toch and the mane karekder has a littel brother and a big brother.  I recommend this book because it's funny.

So if I had any idea of what a "chees toch" was, I would certainly tell you.

Ten Blak Dots
So first ther's one blak dot and then thers to blak dots and then it goes up to ten blak dots and they all make pictchers.  I wood like to recommend it cus it's cool.

So this is one of the least exciting books I might think of to recommend, but hey - to each his own.

Are You My Mother
So that is a brid and he chris (tries, of course) to find his mother and he can't find his mother.  Then when he goes back to his nest he finds his mother .  You sud recommend this book because it is fune.

So sorry.  I asked them not to give away the endings.

Wolter The Farting Dog.
So ther was this dog and he farts alot and a boy bot him at a stor and at the edd thes rober brakes in the house and dog dus a humungis fart ant it was so bit it shot him acrot the room.  I recemmed this book because it is funy. 

So what kind of teacher actually reads this kind of book to first graders?  I ask you!

So were you able to spot what all of these recommendations have in common?

Three Strikes

There are some aspects of teaching that simply cannot be taught in a college course.  Procedures, in particular, can be a challenge; when to let kids sharpen pencils, the best seating arrangement on the rug for story time, where in the classroom to line up so the least amount of stuff will be tampered with, what to do if and when students lose scissors, glue sticks, or pencils - things you don't really think about until you're in the midst of 25 little people who can't even pronounce the word procedure. 

My second year of teaching I had a particularly tough time determining the best procedure for bathroom breaks.  I had one student who asked to go an average of 4 times for every 10 minutes spent in class and it started giving me a headache after 20.  Being the brilliant second-year teacher that I was, I told my class they were allowed to use the bathroom a maximum of three times in one day.  When they decided to use these trips was entirely up to them.  Once they were out of trips, they better hope Mom thought to pack an extra pair of pants in their backpacks; kind of a "three strikes, you're out" sort of deal. This is one more reason first graders are great.  They believe in magic.  After this new procedure was in place, they never once questioned whether I actually knew how many times they had gone to the restroom, which I did not.

We went weeks without ever mentioning bathroom breaks and, shockingly, never having a single accident.  Then one morning, about an hour into the school day, I noticed that Christian had taken several trips to the bathroom already and was asking for permission again.  Well, that's against procedure, so I questioned him,

"Christian, buddy.  You've already used your three trips and we've only been in school for just over an hour.  What's the problem?"  In a million years, I never would have guessed his response.

In a loud, clear, now-hear-this, kind of voice Christian said, "I'll tell you what the problem is, Mrs. Plant!  I have diarrhea!"  Collective gasps and looks of horror fell upon the other students.  We don't actually say the word diarrhea.  Christian was unfazed as he turned to address the class.  Pointing at the students, he shouted, "That's right!  Diarrhea!"  He marched straight to the classroom door, put his hand on the knob, and proclaimed to the world, "I have diarrhea and I'm goin' to the bathroom!"  And out he walked, leaving the other students, and the teacher, dumbfounded and unsure of what to do next.  As nonchalantly as possible I turned back to the class, shrugged my shoulders, and continued on with the activity.  Gratefully, the students followed suit.

I was concerned Christian's classmates might take this as an invitation to make bathroom proclamations in order to get extra trips down the hall.  Fortunately for me and my authority, no one else was willing to actually use the necessary verbiage in order to make it happen.

Shoe Fly

Shoes can be used for a number of activities.  For instance, I personally use shoes for things like running, walking, golfing, hiking, working, gardening, etc.  Likewise, there are activities I do not use shoes for, such as sleeping, yoga, swimming, bathing, weaponry, and - the most recent addition to my mental list - flying object.  Let me explain.

A couple weeks ago, Stewart came hobbling in from recess wearing only one shoe.  Intrigued, I asked calmly, "Dude, where's your shoe?"
He shrugged, initially offering no explanation, so I pressed,
"Stewart, can you recall the last time your shoe was on your foot and what happened next?"
"Well, um...I think it might be in the bushes." and here Stewart recounted the story of how he'd lost his shoe.  I'll spare you his lengthy version which contained no less than 314 pauses and "ums".  In short, he'd removed said shoe, taken it tightly by the laces, swung it around his head until it reached maximum velocity, and let 'er fly!  And fly it did because not a soul on the playground could discover the location of that shoe.

Now, consequences are a tricky thing when you're a teacher.  You want them to be subtle, yet powerful.  Yelling doesn't do any good.  You don't want to embarrass or cause scenes.  You can't make threats unless you are willing to carry them out and they are legal, and you cannot use physical tactics.  What Stewart did was funny.  I wasn't angry, but if I spent 15 minutes out of every school day solving missing-shoe-due-to-lack-of-intelligent-forethought problems, my students would be in serious intellectual trouble.
 
Stewart was all set to go about his business in one shoe.  I, on the other hand, neither relished the idea of having to remove sharp objects from his foot nor the lawsuit that would inevitably follow.  Instead, Stewart accompanied me to our school's lost and found bin.  I truly thought this was a long-shot.  How many kids could possibly be losing a single shoe on school grounds?

Apparently, a lot.  You would not have believed the plethora of orphan shoes we found in that bin; tennis shoes, sandals, loafers, jelly shoes (yes, jelly shoes) - how so many kids were managing to misplace one shoe and, more importantly, never caring enough to look for it in the lost and found, is beyond me.  But, lucky for me (and not so lucky for Stewart), therein lay the consequence.

I know I said you shouldn't embarrass, but I was left with little choice in the matter and would be lying if I told you I was wholly disappointed.  I cheefully said to Stewart, "Pick a shoe, any shoe!".  As he put a random shoe that sort of fit on his foot, he stared at me as though I had potatoes sprouting from my ears.  It wasn't until we were walking back to class that he gave in to the fact that I was really going to make him walk into the classroom wearing a mismatched pair of shoes.  How uncool.

But after spending the majority of the day in his less than cool shoes, I would be surprised if "flying object" hadn't made it onto Stewart's mental list of things he no longer does with his shoes as well.  One can only hope.

Freshen Up

I am the secretary of our school's JSSC committee.  JSSC stands for "Junior Savers" - no, it's "Just Say Something" - wait... okay, I have no idea what it stands for.  All I know is that it is our responsibility to solve (or at least address) the problems of our school in a once-monthly, one hour meeting.  We discuss the budget, who will clean out the faculty room fridge, why teachers aren't cleaning up after themselves, recess schedules, assemblies, field trips, contests, behavior plans - general school topics. But it was the following intense discussion that solidified my decision to act as secretary for another year.

"Okay, next on the list is air fresheners in the faculty restrooms." said Tracey.  All eyes darted around the room, nervous about what this might mean, already pointing mental fingers at the culprit who would make this conversation necessary. 
"The custodians need to make sure it's always in the bathrooms - especially the ones with two stalls."  Oh no, she didn't.  "It's common courtesy to use air freshener after using the restroom and we keep running out."  Here, there were a few smart-alec comments, one was probably from me but I can't be sure: "Come on, people - all it takes is one quick spray!" and "How can we ensure that no one will take the new cans home for their own use?"  Things like that.
The faces of the committee members ranged from utter embarrassement to pure amusement to near hysterical laughter.  You may have already guessed where I fell in that range - I could not wait to type up these meeting minutes.

Finally, our principal said directly to the agenda in front of him, "Okay, I will talk to Joe about making sure he keeps an eye on that."  And that was that.  Somehow we did it without using the words stinky, smelly, poop, or number two.  Thank God for small miracles; there are just certain words you don't ever want to hear coming out of certain co-workers' mouths.

Since this meeting, none have been as entertaining; though, the one involving the new signs above the toilets reading "This is a handle not a pedal!" came close.

Portrait

They often attempt it, but it is only on rare occasions that students manage to capture my likeness in a piece of art.

I believe that is what Jonah has done here.

Time Warp

On average, I would say I get about five or six excuses per week for coming in late from recess - give or take a few.  The majority of them are unoriginal and clearly spur-of-the-moment, very little creativity or planning involved.  Here are a few examples and how I generally respond:

"I didn't hear the bell." 
       Yet somehow the other 27 students in my class did.  Hmmm...
"Well he was out there, too!"
       Oh, I apologize.  I didn't realize he was in charge of you.  My bad.
"I was in the office with the principal."
       Well, I can't wait to talk to her about what happened!  I'll bet your mom is looking forward to it, too.     
"I wasn't done playing."
       Gosh, I hope you managed to wrap it up because your play time for today has officially come to an end.
 "I had to wash my hands - they were dirty from the sandbox."
       I don't really have a witty response for this one because any time they're willing to wash their hands, it's best not to discourage it.
   
Pretty standard stuff.  So imagine my sheer joy when Jack answered my inquiry into his tardiness with,

"Mrs. Plant, you wouldn't have believed it.  I just went through a time warp.  I know it because I was in line to come in from recess, and then all of a sudden...everyone was gone." 

Dun, dun, dun!  Very mysterious.

Now, if you come to me with explanations of that caliber, you are bound to get away with coming in late.